The maid of honor just puked.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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