I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
