She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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