8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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