if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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