is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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