Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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