i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
