He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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