Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
