She is in my trunk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
