you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
