My hand turned me down
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
