I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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