I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
