My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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