i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
