I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
