You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
