I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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