hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
