Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
