First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
