Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
