you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Drake has all the answers
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
