So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
