Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
