Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
