Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
