turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
