don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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