And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
