If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
