I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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