I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
