Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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