We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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