From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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