Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
