I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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