your parents love me but you hate me
Life is so much better after having sex.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
