My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
