just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
