shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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