my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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