he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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