I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
