My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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