Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You need a sexual gate keeper
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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