I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
this hospital has no fireball
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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